Accept The Realities You Don’t Like

There’s this pesky thing called ‘reality’ which has a way of humbling us all. Repeatedly.

Myself very much included…

This topic is particularly close to my heart because I regularly fail to take my own advice on it.

Although the correct approach is “obvious” here, it’s hard to put into practice. And I tend to escape from the need to follow through on it by denying that there’s even an issue in the first place.

So I’m writing this mainly as a reminder to myself. And to put myself on the hook for doing a better job in the future. (If you choose to come along for the ride then I’m honoured to have you here too).

Here’s the key insight:

You’ve got to recognise and accept reality even when you don’t like it.

There’s no excuse to shy away from the truth because it makes you feel uncomfortable. Or because things aren’t the way you’d wished that they were.

In fact, it’s even more important than usual for you to recognise reality when you don’t like it than when you do.

This shouldn’t really be a problem. I mean, why would you want to do anything different than see reality as it actually is?

Nevertheless… most of the time, in your heart of hearts, you’re convinced that things are going to turn out the way you feel they should. Even when logic tells you the complete opposite. Even when you tell yourself you accept that logic.

Why?

It’s because, emotionally, you’re not ready to accept the alternative. That things are probably going to get messed up in all sorts of different ways if you carry on down this road with no course adjustment.

So whenever there’s some sort of attachment to a good outcome — most of the time for most of us, I suspect — you need to actively fight to accept reality when it’s not how you’d like.

Otherwise you’ll find yourself carrying on on autopilot as though conditions were favourable. When actually there’s a storm ahead (or even raging around you right this moment) and you need to send all hands to batten down the hatches.

Because I’ve got news for you. If it comes to a fight between you and reality… Then reality is going to win every time.

And the result is painful.

Yes, you can go on pretending for a while and keep moving on as though things are the way you wish they were.

You might even find this seems to work well for a while. You might even consider it ‘positive thinking’ that’s turning things around by refusing to accept reality.

But the longer you try and run on thin air (like Wile E Coyote) the bigger the bump when reality pulls you back down to the ground.

So let’s look a bit closer at a couple of the details of this vital skill. Make this both easier to do and more effective:

Accept first. Change later.

Don’t confuse acceptance with resignation. When you accept reality as it is you’re not saying that it’s impossible to change it.

Rather you’re accepting where we are as the necessary starting point for any change. If you try and pretend reality is the way you’d like it to be then any changes or adaptations you try and make are starting from a false position. And they’re not going to stick.

You’ve got to have the courage to accept the truth first. Then you’re building on a solid foundation of planning any changes (or even just assessing whether change is possible — sometimes it’s not. Or it’s not a reasonable response).

Love the challenge

Don’t just accept reality grudgingly. Lean into it! Take the current situation and say “bring it on!” or “Is that all you’ve got!”

The true measure of yourself is not how you carry on in smooth waters under clear skies. It’s when the storms whip up that you get to stand up and be counted. Both your actions and your attitudes get tested to their fullest at this point.

So accepting undesirable reality is not just the means to better decisions and actions. It’s a training ground where you forge strength of character that remains with you forever and in all situations.

If you try and pretend reality is different then you’re denying yourself that test and that chance to improve.